Navigating a divorce is never easy. Regardless of the reason for the end of your relationship, you both know that you need to complete the legal process of dissolving your marriage so that you can move forward.
At every stage in the divorce proceedings, you’ll have a choice of how you want to act. Keeping things amicable is often the goal, but it’s common to fall into the trap of anxiety. While you can’t control how the other person will act, you are in control of your own conduct.
Pettiness, spitefulness and animosity won’t get you far. Rather than succumbing to the negative aspects of divorce, you have a choice to act in a calm and civil manner. In this guide, we’re looking at some of the ways you can keep things amicable in a breakup, even if the other party doesn’t want to play nice.
Spiteful behaviour can only have an impact if you allow it to. It might hurt to know that someone you were once wholly committed to is acting in this way, but you need to remember that no one can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel.
Our feelings are created in our own minds. So you can simply decide not to feel a certain way about things. Or you can decide not to think that the way a person is treating you has anything to do with your value.
So, even if your ex can’t keep things amicable, you have the right to act in a civil and calm way. If you have children, this level headedness can go a long way to help support them throughout the breakup.
Methods for keeping things friendly
If you want to keep things amicable and avoid the anxiety but you aren’t sure how, try these tips:
● Know when to walk away from a conversation. If you’re heading for a divorce, chances are you’ve already tried talking and it hasn’t worked. Accept that talking won’t get you anywhere and know when to step away from a conversation for your own mental health.
● Avoid putting things in writing. It’s nearly impossible to communicate effectively over text or email, so skip it and stick to phone calls. Tone and intention can become cloudy when you put things and writing, and this can lead to extra animosity where there doesn’t need to be any.
● Practice breathing exercises. When we are stressed, we tend to rely on shallow breathing, and this changes the concentration of CO2 in the body and brain. The simple step of taking a few deep breaths will change your brain chemistry and give you a moment before responding.
● Take good care of yourself. Learn what helps to soothe you and focus on these activities. It could be as simple as a walk in nature or calling your best friend.
You can course correct at any point, even if you feel like things are slipping into anxiety-driven territory. You can also hit pause and decide to focus on other things. Allowing the divorce to consume your every waking moment is a surefire way to amp up the stress and make it more unpleasant than it needs to be.
By being aware of your feelings and what triggers stress or anxiety, you can plan your days to avoid these things. For example, you can choose to not open emails or messages from your solicitor while you are at work. If the message is urgent, let them know they need to call, and otherwise you will respond in your own time.
